The Coitus Conundrum
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Love is in the air once again between Amy and Sheldon. Unfortunately, the annual awards dinner proves too much for him and he once again succumbs to the demon alcohol to get through the ceremony. Which would be bad enough, but Amy tries to see opportunity in Sheldon's state to finally "consummate" their relationship - which might work, except for his mother's untimely arrival...
1. Chapter 1

_The Coitus Conundrum Prologue J. Franklin  
><em>

** THE COITUS CONUNDRUM**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: SHELDON and LEONARD's apartment. The lights are off and it is clearly night time. The main door opens and we see BERNADETTE switch on the light.)_

BERNADETTE: Okay, bring him in.

_(The door widens and we see PENNY and AMY helping a clearly intoxicated RAJ into the apartment.) _

AMY: (_Straining under the weight_) That does it. After tonight, he has to learn to talk to women without alcohol!

PENNY: Just help me get him over to the sofa.

RAJ: TURN ON YOUR HEARTLIGHT!

AMY: And this is the last time we carpool to the Cal Tech awards dinner, too! I've had all the Neil Diamond I can stand tonight.

PENNY: I thought you said you liked Neil Diamond.

AMY: I did. But you can only hear "Hello, Again" sung in an Indian accent five or six times before it really starts to lose its appeal.

RAJ: LET IT SHINE WHEREVER YOU GO! LET IT MAKE A HAPPY GLOW!

PENNY: C'mon. Over to the sofa! _(They drag RAJ to the sofa and place him face down.) _

AMY: Whew!

PENNY: You said it. Thank God that's over with.

BERNADETTE: You said it. It's a good thing the worst is behind us now!

PENNY: I wouldn't be so sure of that.

AMY: Why?

_(The door opens. We see LEONARD and HOWARD helping an equally intoxicated SHELDON into the room. He is wearing only his dress shirt, a tie, and jockey shorts.)_

HOWARD: (_Groaning) _You're his roommate. Next year, you're doing this with him by yourself.

LEONARD: (_Whining_) It's not my fault! You know how much he hates public speaking! The only way he'll go is if he has a few drinks first.

HOWARD: Yeah, well, I think a "few" obviously has different meanings to an engineer vs. a physicist!

SHELDON: (_Snapping to consciousness_) HELLO, AGAIN! MY FRIEND, HELLO!

HOWARD: And next year we're all taking separate cars, too!

LEONARD: Whatever. (_Groans_) Look, just help me get him into bed, will you? He has to sleep this off before his mother gets here tomorrow.

SHELDON: LET IT SHINE WHEREVER YOU GO! LET IT MAKE A HAPPY GLOW!

AMY: _(Rushing to help)_ I thought you only gave him two glasses of wine!

LEONARD: Well, according to Sheldon, quantity is relative.

HOWARD: Yeah, well, relatively speaking, I think five glasses is enough.

LEONARD: Oh, really? This from the man who kept _refilling his glass_!

AMY: (_Snapping into focus)_ Wait. Sheldon's mother is coming tomorrow?

LEONARD: Yes. She couldn't be here for the award ceremony, so she's coming in tomorrow to help Sheldon celebrate.

HOWARD: Good thing she didn't come tonight or she could have seen more of Sheldon like the rest of us!

PENNY: Just be careful! I'll go down to the car and get the rest of his clothes!

BERNADETTE: I'll come with you! _(They leave. HOWARD and LEONARD begin dragging SHELDON to the back hallway.)_

LEONARD: And I don't understand why he has to take his clothes off whenever he drinks!

HOWARD: Look on the bright side. Most people probably passed on the dessert by the time he got down to his undershorts. _(They turn the corner.)_

AMY: Well, if nothing else, we can at least take some comfort in knowing the worst is now behind us!

_(We hear the sound of SHELDON regurgitating, followed by a splashing noise.)_

LEONARD: Actually, it just got a whole lot worse!

_(Cut to: Opening credits)_

3


	2. Chapter 2

_The Coitus Conundrum Act I J. Franklin  
><em>

** THE COITUS CONUNDRUM**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: SHELDON and LEONARD's apartment. LEONARD is making breakfast in the kitchen. PENNY enters.)_

PENNY: Hey. How's everything?

LEONARD: Hey, Penny. Well, the good news is Raj is moving around, but Sheldon is still asleep.

PENNY: How bad is he?

LEONARD: Well, Amy took his clothes down to the laundry room since he threw up all over them last night.

PENNY: I thought he just threw up in the hallway?

LEONARD: Yeah, that was just the first of many (makes quotation marks with fingers) "Sheldonian Eruptions."

PENNY: Wow. (Pauses) Where are Bernadette and Raj?

LEONARD: They went down to get some bagels. We thought it would be good to have some carbs on hand when he wakes up.

PENNY: (Checks watch) What time does his mother get here?

LEONARD: (Shrugs) I dunno. Probably any time now, I'm guessing.

(_The door opens. AMY enters.)_

AMY: Okay, that's the last of his clothes. They should be done shortly. Any sign of Sheldon's mother?

LEONARD: No, not yet.

AMY: Whew. Hopefully we can get everything done before she gets here. (Pauses) Ah…ah…(Sneezes violently)

PENNY: You okay?

AMY: Yes. I emptied the dryer lint filter and it was pretty full. (Sneezes again)

LEONARD: Well, it's good that you did that. It would probably be helpful if Sheldon had at least one outfit to wear when she arrives.

PENNY: One outfit?

LEONARD: Yeah. Sheldonian Eruptions aren't known for being narrow geysers. Turns out I'm going to have to wash MY outfit from last night as well when there's a free washing machine.

AMY: (Thinking) Wait a minute…

LEONARD: Yeah?

AMY: Are you saying that my boyfriend is in the other room with absolutely NOTHING to wear?

LEONARD: (Tonelessly) Yeah.

AMY: (Clutching chest and hyperventilating) You're saying he's COMPLETELY NAKED in there?

LEONARD: (Pouring coffee and still not following) Yep. Naked as a jaybird.

PENNY: (Catching on and becoming concerned) Amy?

AMY: (Leaning on sofa for support and still hyperventilating) Sheldon Cooper without any clothing whatsoever? (Aside) What hope could mortal women possibly have?

PENNY: Um, yeah, probably a lot more than you think. What are you getting at?

AMY: (Standing up and flinging her hair) That Amy Farah Fowler may finally be getting the opportunity she has long wished for!

LEONARD: (Still oblivious and moving about in kitchen) And what would that be?

AMY: The chance to finally consummate physically what has up till now only been done mentally!

LEONARD: (Drops milk carton. It splashes all over the floor.) Say what?

PENNY: Um, Amy? I don't think this is a good idea –

AMY: (Moving quickly toward the back hallway and beginning to remove her sweater) Oh, on the contrary I think thinking has been the main problem up until now!

PENNY: (Going after her) Uh, Amy? I think this is really a bad idea –

LEONARD: (Moves to follow her) Um, yeah, I really think –

(_The door opens. RAJ and BERNADETTE enter carrying bags of bagels and a tray of coffee in paper cups. RAJ is moving slowly.)_

BERNADETTE: We're back! (Pauses) What's up?

LEONARD: (Long pause) Amy's trying to have coitus with Sheldon.

RAJ: (Drops coffee tray.)

LEONARD: Oh, great…

(_Cut to: SHELDON's_ _bedroom._ _We see SHELDON as he sleeps. The covers come up to his chest, but he is clearly unclothed. Slowly, he squints and moves his head, frowning. He opens his eyes and looks down. He sees three hands on his chest and knits his brow. He mouths, "One…two…three? His gaze carries over and suddenly we see AMY'S face right next to his. She is hugging the covers to her bare shoulders.)_

AMY: (Smiling) Good morning, lover.

SHELDON: (Screams!) What? Oh, my God! Amy! What are you doing here in my bed?

AMY: (Unfazed) Just waiting for the next round of our passionate lovemaking!

SHELDON: WHAT?! (Scrambles to far side of bed while frantically pulling covers up to his chin.)

AMY: (Still smiling) It was everything I ever dreamed it would be…

SHELDON: (Horrified) Are you – are you – suggesting we – engaged in – coitus last night?

AMY: No.

SHELDON: Oh, well thank heavens!

AMY: I'm saying we did it this morning.

SHELDON: WHAT?!

AMY: Twice.

SHELDON: TWICE?!

AMY: (Smiling) Ready for round three? (Reaches for him)

SHELDON: (Pulling away) No!

AMY: (Pretending to frown) Sheldon, what's wrong?

SHELDON: (Still horrified) What's wrong?! What's WRONG?! You're telling me we engaged in physically intimate activity last night –

AMY: (Correcting him) Actually, it was this morning –

SHELDON: WHENEVER! But that means we exchanged bodily fluids and heaven only knows how many germs and potential bacteria-laden fluids that can still be infectious! (Looks under the covers) And I'm still naked!

AMY: (Smiling slyly) That's okay. (Lifts covers so he can see underneath.) So am I. See?

SHELDON: Oh, my heavens! My stars!

AMY: (Frowning genuinely) Sheldon, I don't see what the problem is. We finally engaged in human sexual activity that is normal for couples that are mutually attracted to one another –

SHELDON: (Presses hands to his forehead) Oh, my Lord!

AMY: (Becoming concerned) Sheldon, I don't understand –

SHELDON: Understand? UNDERSTAND?! You and I engaged in sexual activity last night that could potentially lead to any number of infections and possible impregnation –

AMY: (Coyly sliding her hand back across his chest) I know, but think of how intelligent any offspring will be!

SHELDON: (Pulling away) Oh, dear heavens! Oh, my Lord! How could this possibly get any worse?!

(_A knock at the door)_

MRS. COOPER: Shelly? Open up, honey. Mama's here.

SHELDON: (Aghast) Mother?! Is that you?

MRS. COOPER: (Impatiently) Yes, it is, honey. And we have to move. Time's a wastin' if we want to get to breakfast down at Denny's. Open up.

SHELDON: (Turns to AMY)

AMY: (Smiling slyly) Want me to let her in? (Starts to exit bed.)

SHELDON: No! (Pulls her back)

AMY: What's wrong?

SHELDON: My mother can't find out we engage in extra-marital relations!

AMY: Sheldon, for us to have had extra-marital relations one of us would already have to be married –

SHELDON: (Not concentrating) I mean – I mean, PRE-marital relations–

AMY: (Eyes widening) PRE-MARITAL? Sheldon, are you saying what I think you're –

SHELDON: No! I mean – I mean, we engaged in relations OUTSIDE of marriage!

AMY: Yes, so?

SHELDON: Well, that just isn't done in east Texas – and certainly not in my mother's world!

AMY: Oh, I see. (Reaches for him) So, you're saying that I've been a very bad girl then?

SHELDON: No!

MRS. COOPER: (Knocks again) Shelly? Is everything alright in there?

SHELDON: What? Uh, yes! Yes! Yes, mother! Just a moment –

AMY: Sheldon –

SHELDON: Amy –

MRS. COOPER: Shelly? I'm coming in –

SHELDON: No! (Quickly shoves AMY under the covers and lifts his knees to raise the blankets)

(MRS. COOPER enters.)

MRS. COOPER: (Unaware) C'mon, Shelly. You got to get your clothes on or we're gonna be late.

SHELDON: (Confused) Mother? I thought you weren't going to be here until later today –

MRS. COOPER: I was, but Reverend Richards wanted us to come down here early so he could lead the prayer this morning for your award breakfast.

SHELDON: Reverend Richards?

_(A minister appears in the doorway.)_

REV. RICHARDS: Is that my former altar boy?

SHELDON: (Eyes widening in horror) Reverend Richards?!

MRS. COOPER: Yes, Shelly. You remember Reverend Richards from when you were growing up?

SHELDON: (Tonelessly) Yes. Of course. He tried to convince me that evolution was heresy when I was seven.

REV. RICHARDS: (Correcting him) Six.

SHELDON: Oh, that's right. Six.

MRS. COOPER: (Moving to SHELDON'S closet) Well, let's go, Shelly. We're gonna be late!

SHELDON: Um, Mother? I'm perfectly capable of dressing myself –

MRS. COOPER: (Looking through his clothes) Yes, but you can't match an outfit to save your life, honey. That's why Mama's here.

SHELDON: Mother, um, if it's alright, I'd really rather dress myself –

MRS. COOPER: (Oblivious) I'm sure you would, honey, but we can't have our award-winning scientist showing up in something that doesn't match. (Pauses) Did you want to bring your little friend Amy along?

SHELDON: (Startles) Amy?

MRS. COOPER: (Turns to him) Yes. Isn't she your girlfriend?

SHELDON: (Stumbling for words) What? Well, yes, but –

MRS. COOPER: (Turns back to his closet) Well, did you want to invite her or not? It seems only polite since y'all are dating that you should bring her along.

SHELDON: Mother, I really don't think Amy Farah Fowler would be interested in coming with us to breakfast – (shifts suddenly in bed) AIEEEE!

MRS. COOPER: (Turns) Shelly? Are you alright?

SHELDON: (Quickly) YES! I just…strained a muscle.

MRS. COOPER: (Turning back to closet) That's because you never exercise, baby. Mama's talked to you about that.

SHELDON: Yes, well –

REV. RICHARDS: (Checking watch) I better go tell the cab driver to wait.

MRS. COOPER: Oh, that's fine. Have him think about what we said, too. Jesus forgives those who take his name in vain while speeding –

_(REV. RICHARDS leaves)_

MRS. COOPER: (Selecting an outfit) Here you go, Shelly. (Turns to him and tosses it on the bed.) Put that on and let's get a-going. I'll go get the rest of your friends –

SHELDON: My friends? 

_(PENNY and LEONARD appear suddenly in the doorway. They both glance around. PENNY notices SHELDON'S raised knees beneath the blankets and quickly smiles knowingly.) _

PENNY: (Teasingly) Good morning, Sheldon!

SHELDON: (Groaning) Good morning.

MRS. COOPER: Shelly, that's no tone to take with your friends. They've been busy out there cleaning up I don't know how many spills while you've been in here sleeping. Now, c'mon. let's go.

LEONARD: (Catching on and smiling) Yeah, Sheldon! Time to, ah, get moving, don't you think? (SHELDON glares at him and shakes his head frantically)

MRS. COOPER: Y'all should go get changed, too. We can't have everybody at the restaurant in their PJs. (Turns to leave.)

_(AMY sneezes)_

MRS. COOPER: (Turning) Shelly, are you coming down with a cold?

SHELDON: (Thinking quickly) What? Er, no, mother. It's just uh, a new fabric softener I've been trying out. I think the chemicals are causing a mildly allergic reaction.

MRS. COOPER: (Unaware) Well, we'll talk about you and your laundry later. Getcher clothes on and let's get a-going! (Leaves)

_(We see PENNY gesturing silently to LEONARD. His eyes widen. We see him mouth, "She's where?")_

PENNY: (Speaking quickly) We'll go with you, Mrs. Cooper! (Grabs LEONARD) C'mon!

LEONARD: But wait – (PENNY drags him out of the room.)

AMY: (After a long pause) Is it safe to come out now?

SHELDON: (Glancing after his mother) Yes, I think so.

_(AMY emerges and steps out of the bed, wrapping the blanket around her as she does so.)_

SHELDON: (Nervously) Amy, we need to hurry. No telling when she'll be back. Quick! Go hide in the closet.

AMY: (Nervous) Okay. (Starts to move and trips over the blanket.) Ow!

MRS. COOPER: (Off camera) Shelly? Was that you?

SHELDON: (Grabbing the undershorts from the clothes his mother handed him and pulling them on under the covers) Yes, mother! Just a little clumsy this morning! (Turns to AMY and whispers frantically) Get in the closet! 

AMY: (Behind bed and out of sight) I'm trying! But the blanket is all tangled!

SHELDON (Helping her up) Quick. Get in the closet!

AMY: (Standing up) But I want to go to breakfast with you and your mother!

SHELDON: We can do that when she doesn't think we've sinned against Jesus. Now, hurry up!

(_AMY enters the closet)_

MRS. COOPER: (Reappearing) Shelly? When I say it's time to get dressed, I expect you to move a little faster than this.

SHELDON: (Dressing quickly) Yes, mother! I'm hurrying now!

_(LEONARD and PENNY appear over her shoulder and glance in nervously)_

MRS. COOPER: And what is with the two of you this morning hovering all over the place? Come on, my boy needs to get dressed and needs some privacy!

PENNY: (Apologetically) You're right, Mrs. Cooper! We're so sorry –

_(AMY sneezes from the closet)_

MRS. COOPER: (Freezing) Shelly, have you been practicing your ventriloquism again?

SHELDON: What? Um, uh, well, you see, Mother –

_(AMY sneezes again)_

MRS. COOPER: Because if you weren't, Shelly, I'd swear that there was a young lady hiding in your closet.

LEONARD: What?

PENNY: What? There's no one here, Mrs. Cooper –

_(MRS. COOPER heads for the closet) _

MRS. COOPER: Oh, really? And I suppose – (Pulls closet door open.)

(_AMY tumbles out still wrapped in the covers. Everyone freezes.) _

MRS. COOPER: (Glaring at SHELDON) Shelly-bean, you've gots yourself some explainin' to do!

(Cut to commercial)

10


	3. Chapter 3

_The Coitus Conundrum Act II J. Franklin  
><em>

** THE COITUS CONUNDRUM**

**ACT II**

_(SCENE: SHELDON and LEONARD's apartment. AMY and SHELDON are sitting on the sofa with guilty expressions. MRS. COOPER is pacing back and forth. PENNY and LEONARD are seated in chairs.)_

MRS. COOPER: Now, Shelly, I know we have talked and talked and _talked_ about this sort of thing. (Pauses) And as glad as your mother is to know you finally do in fact like girls, this was NOT what I was expecting to have to deal with on this visit!

AMY: (To SHELDON) Remember when I told you I found the notion of being a bad girl who was disapproved by your mother to be titillating?

SHELDON: (To AMY) Yes.

AMY: I take it back.

MRS. COOPER: And Lord KNOWS I tried to get you to stay in Texas instead of moving to this Land of the Heathen known as California –

(_AMY sneezes)_

MRS. COOPER: Young lady, do you need a tissue?

AMY: No, ma'am.

MRS. COOPER: Sheldon, I think you best move a bit further away from that young lady before you catch whatever virus she has. (Pauses) Oh, who am I kidding? You've probably exchanged enough bodily fluids by now to share whatever she's likely carrying.

_(SHELDON looks at AMY. He slowly moves two inches away and stops. He tries to smile at her.)_

AMY: Mrs. Cooper, I'm not sick. I'm simply having an allergic reaction to Sheldon's fabric softener.

MRS. COOPER: And you expect me to believe you?

AMY: (Wiping nose) No, it's the truth. If I had a virus, I would have to be someone promiscuous and experienced with sleeping with many men. (Pauses) You know, like Penny!

PENNY: (Frowning) Hey…

AMY: (Aside) Relax, you know I still envy you and the way you flaunt your sexuality so successfully.

PENNY: (Uncertain) Um, thanks…I guess…

MRS. COOPER: (Gestures to PENNY) So, _this_ is the sort of neighbor you have, Shelly?

PENNY: (Frowning again) Hey…

SHELDON: No, it's true, mother. In fact, by my estimates, Penny has slept with approximately –

PENNY: Hey!

LEONARD: Sheldon!

AMY: He didn't mean that.

SHELDON: Yes, I did.

AMY: Okay, he did.

PENNY: (Trying to redirect) Hey! I'm not the one who was in bed with someone's mother's son this morning!

LEONARD: (Frowning) Hey…

MRS. COOPER: Enough! Now, Shelly, before we do another thing, Mama's going to get her Bible so we can do some praying about this. (Moves toward the door)

SHELDON: Mother, I really don't think that is necessary –

(_The door opens. HOWARD and RAJ enter. HOWARD is holding up his iPhone and gesturing excitedly.)_

HOWARD: (Not seeing MRS. COOPER behind him.) We just got the great news!

PENNY: What news?

HOWARD: Bernadette just texted me! Sheldon? Congratulations! (Moves to "high-five" him.) I had to pay Koothrappali fifty bucks for losing the bet, but it was worth it to hear you've finally done the nasty!

_(Everyone stares at him.)_

HOWARD: (Without looking over his shoulder) His mother's standing right behind me, isn't she? (Turns slightly to RAJ. RAJ nods quietly.) Oh, boy…

MRS. COOPER: You're - Howard, right?

HOWARD: Yes, ma'am. Nice to ah, see you, Mrs. Cooper!

MRS. COOPER: (Brushes past him) There's nothing nice about what's going on in this apartment. We're about to have a little talk with Jesus, so you two with your non-Christian views and alternative lifestyle which Lord knows I RESPECT but which nevertheless GOES AGAINST THE BIBLE can either stay here and sit quietly or move right along!

(_RAJ whispers to HOWARD)_

HOWARD: (Frustrated) Yes, that IS what she meant by "alternative lifestyle!" (Turns to him) And you whispering in my ear is most certainly not helping change that perception!

SHELDON: Mother, I really don't think all of this is necessary –

MRS. COOPER: It's not up to you, Shelly. It's up to Jesus – and if you think for one minute that I as your mother am going to sit by while you lead a life of sin, you are crazier than a rat trapped in a tin outhouse!

(_RAJ whispers to HOWARD)_

HOWARD: Yes, that's the phrase she meant, but just let it go!

SHELDON: But mother, I'm not crazy! (Pauses) Remember? You had me tested!

MRS. COOPER: Shelly –

SHELDON: (Turns toward her) And come to think of it, mother, didn't I catch you engaging in physical intimacy with a man not too long ago?

MRS. COOPER: (Angry) Shelly! What have I always told you as both a parent and a proud Christian?!

SHELDON: (Quietly looks down at his feet) Do as I say and not as I do.

MRS. COOPER: That's right!

LEONARD: (Interjecting) Mrs. Cooper? If it helps any, I've been Sheldon's roommate for years, and this is honestly the first time I can think of that Sheldon and Amy have engaged in any kind of amorous activity.

AMY: (Turning to him) Hey…

LEONARD: (Quietly) Relax, I'm just trying to help!

HOWARD: (Following LEONARD'S lead) He's right, Mrs. Cooper! I mean, that was the whole reason for my surprise at getting this text message! (Holds up phone)

_(RAJ whispers to him)_

HOWARD: (Continuing) And it's the whole reason I had to pay Raj fifty dollars! (Turns to RAJ) And from now on, you can just start talking for yourself!

_(RAJ shrugs and nods.)_

MRS. COOPER: And I suppose I am to believe that you as one of Shelly's friends NEVER engaged in any premarital relations yourself?

RAJ: (Suddenly finding his voice) No! He didn't! Except for this one time in Vegas where we met this hooker –

HOWARD: (Hissing) Shut up!

RAJ: I was just trying to help!

MRS. COOPER: So, let me get this straight. (Looks at PENNY) First, Shelly, you have a neighbor who sleeps around -

PENNY: Hey…

_(Everyone stares at her)_

PENNY: (Trying to recover) Well, that was before I met Leonard! (Points to LEONARD)

MRS. COOPER: (continuing) – and you have a non-Christian friend who sleeps with street-walkers

RAJ: (Finding his voice again) She wasn't a streetwalker! She was a casino hostess and cost $300 an hour!

HOWARD: (Hissing) Put a sock in it, will you?

MRS. COOPER: - an Indian friend who is also not Christian and who is involved in same-sex relationship with a married man –

RAJ and HOWARD: (Simultaneously) Hey…

MRS. COOPER: (Shaking her head) I'm just glad you have a roommate who's got some decency.

RAJ: Actually he once slept with a north Korean spy…

LEONARD: Hey!

HOWARD: Sorry, buddy. Seems we're all taking turns getting thrown under the bus tonight, so it looks like it was your turn…

LEONARD: Thanks….

MRS. COOPER: (Sitting down) What I can't figure out…(fights back a sniff)…is where I…failed you! (Buries her head in her hands)

SHELDON: (Rising to comfort her) Mom? You didn't fail me –

AMY: He's right! He didn't!

MRS. COOPER: (To AMY) Oh, please. You expect me to believe you two were just lying in there and doing nothing?

AMY: (Pauses) Well….

SHELDON: (Looking at her quizzically) Well? Well what?

AMY: (Looking up at him and taking a deep breath) We never…really…had sex, Sheldon.

SHELDON: (Aghast) What?

PENNY-HOWARD-RAJ-LEONARD: (In unison) _What?!_

SHELDON: Amy? I'm confused…

MRS. COOPER: So am I…

PENNY: So am I…

LEONARD: So am I…

_(RAJ whispers to HOWARD)_

HOWARD: No, we're all confused! Just give it a moment! (Pauses) But just so you know, I think this means I get my fifty bucks back!

MRS. COOPER: (To AMY) Well, if you two weren't having sex, what were you doing in there?

AMY: (Long pause) Well…I was just trying to make Sheldon _think_ that we did…

MRS. COOPER: Why on earth would you do a thing like that?

SHELDON: Yes, Amy. Why would you?

AMY: (Looks at everyone before throwing up her hands) Oh, please! Give me a break. We've only been going out for almost five years now and the only thing I've ever gotten out of it was that spanking!

_(The group pauses. Awkward silence.)_

MRS. COOPER: (Pausing) Shelly, I think I liked it better when the two of you were just sinning the normal way here…

SHELDON: Well, mom, wait a moment –

MRS. COOPER: Shelly –

SHELDON: (Angry for first time) No! This is my life here that we're talking about! I'm a grown man, not some little boy. I should be able to live my life the way I choose and not as someone else would prefer it herself back when I was a child!

_(RAJ whispers again to HOWARD. HOWARD smiles)_

HOWARD: I know. It is funny when he says he's not a child while wearing a "Flash" t-shirt…

SHELDON: (Ignoring him) But mom…if I'm going to forgive you for your trespasses and imperfections….(pauses)…don't you think you owe it to do the same for me?

_(Long pause)_

AMY: (Aside to PENNY) I think this would be more meaningful if he actually HAD done any trespassing…(PENNY shushes her.)

MRS. COOPER: (Long pause) Shelly…you're right…(Her phone buzzes loudly. She quickly checks it before putting it away)

SHELDON: That wouldn't happen to be a call from a man with what you once described as a "perfectly fine booty," would it?

MRS. COOPER: (Nodding) Yes, it was.

SHELDON: What did he want?

MRS. COOPER: (Looking away) Knowing him, he was probably calling to remind me to pick up some Astroglide on my way home…

AMY: (Again to PENNY) Wow. And I thought we were pushing things with the spanking! (PENNY again shushes her.)

MRS. COOPER: (Turning back to SHELDON) But Shelly, you need to understand something. If I get upset, it's only because as your mother I only want the best life for you, and I don't want to see you making any mistakes with some fast young lady who comes along and tempts you with her seductive ways –

PENNY: (Putting her hand protectively on AMY's shoulder) Hey…

AMY: (Smiles and turns to PENNY) Actually, I kind of like this one. Don't worry about it.

PENNY: Oh.

(_RAJ whispers to HOWARD)_

HOWARD: I'll tell you what this means. It means the bet's still on and you owe me my fifty bucks back!

MRS. COOPER: (Sighing) Well, I suppose we've kept the reverend waiting long enough downstairs. (Turns to SHELDON and AMY) You two want to get dressed so we can go to breakfast?

AMY: (Sheepishly) Does this mean I can come too?

MRS. COOPER: Well, from where I see it, you're still Shelly's girlfriend, and the two of you have apparently NOT been living a life of sin out here after all, so I'm prepared to leave things be if you all will.

SHELDON: (To AMY) I think that sounds like a good plan.

AMY: Me too.

MRS. COOPER: Just promise me that if you two ever DO start sinning out here…you won't tell me about it!

_(AMY and SHELDON exchange glances)_

AMY: Deal!

MRS. COOPER: (To everyone) Do you all want to come along as well? (Everyone looks at one another and nods.)

HOWARD: Sounds good.

LEONARD: Yeah.

PENNY: Yeah.

RAJ: (Nods)

MRS. COOPER: (Returning to her purse by the door to return her Bible) Okay, let Mama just make sure she's got everything. (Beings rummaging in her purse) Oh, blast it!

SHELDON: What's wrong?

MRS. COOPER: I left my makeup mirror in my other purse.

PENNY: (Trying to be helpful) I've got a spare across the hall you can have, Mrs. Cooper!

MRS. COOPER: Oh, would you mind? That would be wonderful.

PENNY: (Taking her by the arm) Sure.

LEONARD: Shall we just see you both downstairs in a few minutes?

PENNY: That sounds fine.

MRS. COOPER: Yes, thank you.

_(Everyone begins making preparations to leave.)_

MRS. COOPER: I do appreciate this.

PENNY: It's not a problem. (Glances over her shoulder as they step out into the hall and whispers.) I've also got some spare Astroglide if you want!

MRS. COOPER: (Pauses and glances over her shoulder.) Yes. That would be fine, too. Thank you!

_(Cut to commercial.)_


End file.
